Posted by: cueballcol | October 22, 2007

THE TOP 10 FILM BOXERS NOT CALLED ROCKY

I’m sitting at my desk and the boredom is tearing the flesh from my bones, exposing my mediocrity for all to see. So, what better time to compile a film list says I. I want to do a favourite Xmas films of all time but October feels a little early, so I’ll save that one for later. Hang on, here comes the boss. I can still type this but I’ve now adopted a ‘constipation face’ as if I were resolving some weighty issue that this feckless moron couldn’t comprehend aaaaanndd…he’s gone. Hmm, I’ve just noticed that my stapler looks a bit like an Alien, watch your ass Giger, Corporate Express might be looking for you. Okay then, from a soul sucking job to fist ducking actors as I present to you the Top 10 Film Boxers Not Called Rocky…

10. TOMMY GUNN (Rocky V, 1990)

gunn.jpg

Just kidding. This guy sucks monkey balls, but it was him or Mason ‘The Line’ Dixon from Rocky Balboa and he didn’t have a Don King-alike manger saying “Gawd Dayum! Only in America!” or “It’s time to put some hustle behind that muscle!” I’ll defend Rocky V to the hilt if only for the great quotes..”Get up you son of a bitch! ‘Cause Mickey loves ya! ” da-DA dadada dadada dadada da-DA dadada…etc,etc
9.MARCUS (Bad Santa, 2003)

badsanta.jpg

Santa’s helper vs the fat kid with a drunkard butt fiend in the middle. I acutally believe this film has a greater dose of Christmas spirit than a 100 Christmas With the Kranks crapfests put together. And John Ritter!
8. JOSEPH DONNELLY (Far and Away, 1992)

tomfar02.jpg

“You’re not in Oirland anymore!”

That’s all I’ve got for this one. It’s pretty much all I can remember about this film and it still cracks me up. Hang on, Colm Meaney’s in it. Which should be recommendation enough to anyone with half a brain. Check out the deleted scene where he says “Mike Tyson must be shitting himself”
7. BUTCH (Pulp Fiction, 1995)

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The man who got paid to take a fall but ended up killing the other guy instead. And you never get to see one punch of the match. But what follows leaves you in no doubt as to what this man is capable of (it is Bruce after all). In pursuit of his treasured gold watch (watch out for that story in the Top Ten Arse Related Incidents in Film) he survives a car crash, abduction by sodomites, the gimp, Pop-tarts and a dimpled assassin. “Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead”
6. IVAN DRAGO (Rocky IV, 1985)

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“If he dies, he dies”
“I must break you”
“He is not human, he is a piece of iron”
“By the power of Greyskull!”
Okay, maybe not the last one. In Rocky IV (aka Rocky vs Those Darn Rooskies, aka Rocky’s Montage Mania!) our hero faces his most formidable test yet, Paulie marries a Robot. It’s like they were trying to set up a Rocky sitcom spinoff starring Paulie, the Robot, Mr Drago next door and frequent guest appearances  (“Look everyone, it’s Apollo!” *crowd goes wild*). Drago had other ideas, however. Obviously not a fan of the godfather of soul, Drago follows the Vegas-style musical interlude by sending Apollo a-jerking into an early grave. Cue montage! “The fight will take place in Moscow” Cue montage! “Hmm, wonder how I’d look with a beard?” Cue montage! Rocky wins, Gorbachav applauds, the Iron Curtain falls, Cats and Dogs living together, complete hysteria!
5. VIC DEAKINS (Broken Arrow, 1996)

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Are you from the Midlands ? Did you ever watch Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves ? Then I’m guessing you wouldn’t mind flattening Christian Slater’s nose every time he speaks is his ‘Nahtinghyaaaam’ accent (Costner’s was worse but he didn’t get into the ring with John Travolta at the start of Broken Arrow so lets just drop it, alright ?) This is what a smirking John Travolta gets to do in a typically John Woo slo-mo stylee (minus the doves). Stick in Al Pacino, Robert De Niro and a naked Jennifer Love Hewitt arguing in the background and you’ve got the Best.Opening.Scene.Ever. Rosebud ? Pah, not for all the g-g-g-g-gold in your Fort Knox!
4. WALTER GULICK (Kid Galahad, 1962)

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It’s Elvis! What can you say? If Elvis ever played a Mafia Don called Vito in Harum Scarum Shootum (“Bright fire’s Baby/gonna set that snitch/a-gonna set that snitch on fire/Viva Cosa Nostra”) he’d be giving Brando and De Niro a run for their money in that list.
3. CLUBBER LANG (Rocky III, 1982)

Clubber Lang
In what must surely be the sweatiest of the Rocky movies Clubber Lang stands shiny mohawked head and shoulders above all the fools he so rightly pities. Growling like a loon, taunting Apollo Creed and hitting on Adrian are but a few of his charming personality traits. And he sure aint getting on no airplane, fool!
Interviewer: What’s your prediction for the fight?
Clubber Lang: My prediction?
Interviewer: Yes, your prediction.
[Clubber looks into camera]
Clubber Lang: Pain!
2. APOLLO CREED (Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV)

Apollo Creed

Title announcer: We’d like to announce the presence at ringside of a true champion; the Master of Disaster, the Count of Monte Fisto, the one, the only Apollo Creed! From winner on points to losing participant in the slowest ten count in history through sweaty beach running man-love to final death by He-Man, Apollo Creed has more style and patter than anyone on this list. He even had the cojones to take on the Predator with one (visible) arm tied behind his back.
1. HONEY ROY PALMER (Midnight Sting, 1993)

Honey Roy Palmer
This man right here could eat the rest of this list for breakfast (You eat lists for breakfast ?) and then take on ten of Diggstowns finest/ringerish/Darth Vaderish/smelliest. In one of the most over looked classics of the 90’s you get a fantastic character actor ensemble (James Woods, Bruce Dern, Louis Gossett Jr, Oliver Platt, Marshall Bell (minus belly growth) and Randall “Tex ” Cobb (for real!)), Heather Graham in short shorts, comical racial motivation, Vigo the Carpathian in a wheelchair and the greatest tie-straightening thumbs-down denoument in film history.Plus! The man who would be Jesus punching Louis Gossett Jr in the jollies and calling him a n*gger before getting his ass handed to him. What more could you ask for ? Well, it’d be good to hear Louis Gossett Jr call someone ‘Mayonaisse’, but he can’t do that in every film now, can he ? I actually don’t think I’ve said the word ‘mayonaisse’ in a non-Gossett Jr way since I saw An Officer and a Gentleman, my kids are going to grow up thinking that’s how the word is pronounced. Still, they watch Spongebob Squarepants  and Doctor Who 24/7 so I can’t take all the responsibility for warping their minds.

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  1. Hi, this is a comment.
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  2. […] Top 10 Film Boxers NOT CALLED ROCKY!!! THE TOP 10 FILM BOXERS NOT CALLED ROCKY Life, The Universe and Cueball Col Wie sehen eure Top 3 aus? Fr mich nach Rocky APOLLO CREED der beste aller Zeiten! the Master […]

  3. Ivan Drago should be top of the list.
    “I must break you…” Classic.

  4. good

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