Hudson: Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Vasquez: No. Have you?
Bill Paxton, along with Lance Henriksen, holds a sci-fi fodder hat trick, having faced off against a Terminator, Alien and Predator. I think Lance has a slight edge in that competition what with Pumpkinhead and all and they both lose points for punking out against Nathan Pettrelli. Jenette Goldstein is one shy, so hopefully she’ll pop up in Requiem somewhere to complete the set. She could play Vasquez’s great-great-great-however-many-greats-it-needs-to-be-you-go-figure-it-out-grandmother who has the trademark red bandana which she passes to her baby daughter as the Predalien overwhelms her with its goofy dreads.
” Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it – I hear they’re going to tear you down and put up an office building where you’re standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. “
I love the Marx Brothers films. It’s the kind of comedy that stands the test of time. Can you imagine in 70 years time ANYONE finding Talladega Nights funny ? I’m amazed anyone does right now. Apart from Gary Cole’s bits, that guy has a get out of bad reviews free card with me. Groucho, well what can you say, the day someone bends over double and starts waggling their fingers close to their mouth whilst stalking around the room and no-one gets the reference is the day I shed a solitary manly tear, strip naked, grab a rifle, and head for the nearest tower.
“Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove. “
“I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home. “
8: The Breakfast Club (1985)
DISHING IT OUT: John Bender (Judd Nelson)
TAKING IT: John Bender (Judd Nelson)
“Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a bitch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk. You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful. Shut up bitch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. Dad, what about you? Fuck you. “
What the hell is a turkey pot pie ? I don’t know about you but I always picture some sort of Fray Bentos thing. Answers on a postcard if anyone out there knows better. Judd Nelson puts in a career best performance here that he wouldn’t come close to again (unless you count New Jack City, which I do, so..er..forget I said anything). The mischeavious twinkle in his eye when he finds himself between Molly Ringwald’s legs, wrestling Emilio, the impression of Anthony Michael Hall’s home life followed by the above played out dialogue of what happens Chez Bender. And hands up who wants to know the end of that joke ?
“Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe? “
7: Ghostbusters II (1989)
DISHING IT OUT: Ray Stantz (Dan Aykroyd) and Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis)
TAKING IT: Mood Slime
Egon: Go ahead, Ray!
Ray: [shouting at the slime] You! You worthless piece of slime! You ignorant disgusting blob!
Egon: You’re nothing but an unstable short-chained molecule!
Ray: You foul obnoxious muck!
[bubbles dangerously with every insult]
Egon: You have a weak electrochemical bond!
[starts to bubble over]
Ray: I have seen some disgusting crud in my time, but you take the cake!
Peter Venkman: This is what you do with your spare time?
I think “You have a weak electrochemical bond! ” is my favourite from the above. It’s certainly a more considered approach from Egon following his lunge at William Atherton in the first film with “You’re mother!” It earns a place on this list for the novelty factor of shouting at a jug of pink slime. I tell you what, that pink slime was one multifaceted plot device. Not only could it jump toasters, animate bathtubs and encase whole buildings but it also made huge French statues susceptible to manipulation by a NES joystick.
6: The Last Boy Scout (1991)
DISHING IT OUT: Jimmy Dix (Damon Wayans)
TAKING IT: Goons
“Right now, I’m trying to figure out which one of you looks the most like my dick. If you got something to say, say it. Otherwise get the fuck outta here. “
It’s a great insult but I can’t help but wonder what kind of freakazoid Jeff-Goldblum’s-specimin-jar kind of dick Damon Wayans is packing to warrant such a comparison. And how did he go from this to Bill Cosby for the Nick Kids generation ? And where has Rick Ducommun gone ? And what happened to Ketchips ? Enquiring minds need to know. (NOTE: I’ve just checked on the burning Ducommun question and it turns out his last part of note was as Anna Farris’ dad in Scary Movie, so you can all relax now. Did noone watch ‘The ‘burbs’ though ? If Damon Wayans can get a sitcom surely the Duc-man is due one, get Gary Cole in there and you’re looking at the next Two and a Half Men!) (NOTE 2: I’m becoming increasingly aware that I’m the only person in the world that remembers Ketchips, so I’m picturing some kind of Truman Show conspiracy going on here, come out of your moon Ed Harris! Ketchips will prevail! Who’s with me ?)
Alley Thug: All right, you want it in the chest, or the head?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, that’s what your wife said.
Alley Thug: Hey, would you stop with the wife shit?
Joe Hallenbeck: Ask me how fat she is.
Alley Thug: Fuck you, man! How fat is she?
Joe Hallenbeck: She’s so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherfucker, if you wanna fuck her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I’m not saying she’s fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph.
Joe as puppet: Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?
Joe Hallenbeck: I don’t know. Why?
Joe as puppet: Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
Detective: There’s a new invention out. It’s called the razor.
Joe Hallenbeck: Too risky, I might start thinkin’ about you and slash my wrist.
Jimmy Dix: I’m saying again for the cheap seats, Lieutenant. I DON’T KNOW WHERE JOE HALLENBECK IS! That’s my fucking statement! Write it down and shove it up your ass.
Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: I could nail you for obstruction.
Jimmy Dix: You couldn’t nail a two dollar whore.
5: Dark Angel (1990)
DISHING IT OUT: Jack Caine (Dolph Lundgren)
TAKING IT: Bad Alien (Matthias Hues)
“Fuck you, spaceman! “
Genius. Pure and simple.
Bad Alien: I come in peace.
Jack Caine: But you go in pieces, asshole.
4: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
DISHING IT OUT: Taunting French Guard (John Cleese)
TAKING IT: King Arthur (Graham Chapman)
“You don’t frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called “Arthur King,” you and all your silly English K-nig-hts. ”
“You don’t frighten us with your silly knees-bent running around advancing behavior! ”
“Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons! ”
“I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. “
I know this is place quite highly on the list but for a while I wasn’t sure whether to use it or not. It just seems too obvious, just pictured people reading the name of the article (of course I’m speaking of the hypothetical world where people read my articles and I don’t have a beer gut) and wondering where Holy Grail would come in it. I couldn’t do it, though. The bizarre insults, coupled with Chapman’s aloofness and a masterclass in comedy accents by Cleese, are unique and hilarious. There’s a reason this film lives on forever in student revues and drunken quoting sessions. (HINT: It’s quite funny, Ni!)
3: Goodfellas (1990)
DISHING IT OUT: Spider (Michael Imperioli)
TAKING IT: Tommy Vito (Joe Pesci)
“Why don’t you go fuck yourself, Tommy? “
Simple, to the point, and the most obvious case of a verbal suicide note ever committed to film. Up to this point in the film the audience is well aware of what Tommy is capable of and what a calm tempered individual he is. Following his Oklahoma Kid impression that ended with a bullet in the foot for Spider and a distinct lack of sympathy from the culprit Tommy is continuing ‘busting his balls’ when he comes out with the above gem. The reaction of De Niro is mirrored in those watching at home as it’s the first time anyone has dared talk to Tommy that way, we’re stunned. And as Tommy sits there calmy, not moving, as De Niro kids about, you know what’s coming next.
2: Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
DISHING IT OUT: Ricky Roma (Al Pacino)
TAKING IT: Williamson (Kevin Spacey)
“You stupid fucking cunt. You, Williamson, I’m talking to you, shithead. You just cost me $6,000. Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac. That’s right. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it, asshole? You’re fucking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid fucking cunt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men? Oh, I’m gonna have your job, shithead. “
I love this film. There are some Herculean efforts by the cast to cram as many swearwords as possible into each line of dialogue. And what dialogue, beacuase that’s all their is. Adapted from the stage play by David Mamet the transition to film makes brief attempts to hide the stage roots, but it doesn’t matter. It’s a couple of hours listening to a bunch of guys pissing and moaning and it is bloody brilliant. The above tirade from Pacino to Spacey is one of those slow burn pieces of dialogue that reaches a typically shouty-Pacino crescendo before Jack Lemmon takes the baton and talks just a smidgeon too much for his own good.
1: Full Metal Jacket (1987)
DISHING IT OUT: Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (R Lee Ermey)
TAKING IT: Mostly Private Pyle (Vincent D’Onofrio )
“Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO! “
“If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that? “
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: How tall are you, private?
Private Cowboy: Sir, five-foot-nine, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Five-foot-nine, I didn’t know they stacked shit that high.
“Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who’s the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing. I will PT you all until you fucking die. I’ll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk. “
“You little scumbag! I got your name, I got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will learn by the numbers, I will teach you! Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best unfuck yourself or I unscrew your head and shit down your neck! “
“Oh that’s right, Private Pyle, don’t make any fucking effort to get to the top of the fucking obstacle. If God would have wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn’t he? “
“Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag puke pieca’ shit Private Pyle, or did you have to work on it? “
“I’ll bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I’ll be watching you.”
“Private Pyle I’m gonna give you three seconds; exactly three-fucking-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you! “
“Private Pyle you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up! “
“Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress. “
“What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?”
That just about covers R Lee Ermey’s entire script for the movie. The man is a walking talking ejaculate of venom and an immovable pillar of pride in his ‘beloved corp’. I couldn’t pick just one of his quotes so I included the lot. The story goes that R.Lee Ermey, a former US Marine Corps Drill Instructor,was not originally hired to play Gunnery Sgt. Hartman but as a consultant for the Marine Corps boot camp portion of the film. He performed a demonstration on videotape in which he yelled obscene insults and abuse for 15 minutes without stopping, repeating himself or even flinching – despite being continuously pelted with tennis balls and oranges. Kubrick was so impressed that he cast Ermey as Gunnery Sgt. Hartmann.
The role became so iconic Ermey got to reprise it in ghostly form in Peter Jackson’s The Frighteners. But nothing compares to this performance, he’s like a foul mouthed locomotive that doesn’t stop for breath from the moment he appears onscreen to his fatal encounter with Pvt Pyle’s ‘world of shit’.
Right, that’s it. Now it’s your turn. If you can think of any better ones that I’ve missed lay it down in a comment and I’ll compile a READERS TOP TEN INSULTS for publication at a later date. Alright people, get to work, I’m not made of arms y’know.