Posted by: cueballcol | November 7, 2007

BONFIRE NIGHT ’07: TOP FIVE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS

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Yes, I know it was two days ago but I was busy celebrating the thing on the night and last night I was watching jammy scousers scoring goals by rebounding off the refs arse. Anyway, when I was researching Bonfire Night (’tis true, I’ve standards donchaknow)  to see how best to link an article to the occassion I came across the following wee ditty, the start of which will be familiar to one and all who are wont to ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ in early Nov ….

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t’was his intent
To blow up King and Parli’ment.
Three-score barrels of powder below
To prove old England’s overthrow;
By God’s providence he was catch’d
With a dark lantern and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!

Well, the history books are written by the winners. Now, have a look below and see who remembers continuing the merry sing-a-long with the following, long forgotten, verse…

A penny loaf to feed the Pope
A farthing o’ cheese to choke him.
A pint of beer to rinse it down.
A faggot of sticks to burn him.
Burn him in a tub of tar.
Burn him like a blazing star.
Burn his body from his head.
Then we’ll say ol’ Pope is dead.
Hip hip hoorah!
Hip hip hoorah hoorah!

Bloody hell! I love the dark murky corners of history that prop up our great nation. Anyway, spread the word on this one and get the school choir practicing for next year. Right, enough tomfoolery on with the list…

5: Nick Of Time (1995)
THE TRIGGER: Gene Watson (Johnny Depp)
THE MARK: Gov. Eleanor Grant (Marsha Mason)
THE SAVIOUR: Gene Watson (Johnny Depp)

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The gimmick of this film was that it was a ‘real time’ film (i.e a second of screen time = a second of real time). I’m not sure how they worked the dream sequence into that scenario but I guess they needed a cool shot of Christopher Walken throwing Johnny Depp off a balcony for the trailer. Depp is blackmailed into assassinating Gov. Eleanor Grant by a certain time or Walken will kill his daughter with his mighty moustache of doom. Swap Depp with Kiefer Sutherland and you’ve basically got the plot and concept of the first series of 24. Without Elisha Cuthbert. So Nick of Time loses points there, better luck next time.

4: Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1993)
THE TRIGGER: Colonel West (Rene Auberjonois)
THE MARK: President Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith)
THE SAVIOUR: Montgomery Scott (James Doohan)

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Ahh, Scotty’s moment of glory outside of discovering the worst possible hiding place for klingon blood-stained uniforms (and don’t get me started on transparent ALOOMINUM again). Having double-teamed the One-Eyed Plummer into oblivion the Enterprice and Excelsior crews beam down to foil the assassination attempt. With most of the main players getting little to do other than make arrests it’s up to Kirk and Scotty to throw down a can of Canadian whup-ass. Shatner’s stunt double hits the trampoline dead centre to tackle the target just in time before Scotty’s girth blows a door off its hinges (I thought all doors went  *SSH* in the future and they mocked us and our puny hinges) and lasers the Klingon-masked Odo. All that remains is a Scooby-Doo reveal (“It’s Old Man Colonel West!”, “Jinkies!”), the universe applauding the majesty of The Shat, and the final sign off. Everytime I watch that I think how much my signature sucks. Then I wonder if they got a signature double in to make them look cool. Then I bemoan the state of my mind that it should give a rats ass.

3: Escape From New York (1981)
THE TRIGGER: The Duke Of New York (Isaac Hayes)
THE MARK: President Loomis (Donald Pleasance)
THE SAVIOUR: Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell)

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Technically it’s the stewardess terrorist that takes over the Presidential plane at the start of the film that is the assassin here. And technically, in the end, the President saves himself and Snake by plugging the Duke (“Youre the Duke of New York, you’re A-number 1!”). But technically, this is my blog and I compile the lists around here, so bugger off and do your own list about fucking High School Musical or something, we don’t appreciate your kind around here. For those not paying attention this is the one with spiked club wrestling, Adrienne Barbeau’s cleavage and absolutle ZERO fucking CGI surfing.

2: The Naked Gun (1988)
THE TRIGGER: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAANN! (Ricardo Montalban)
THE MARK: The Queen
THE SAVIOUR: Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

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“Protecting the Queen’s safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts. “

Montalban isn’t the direct assassin in this case but he is behind the plot to create the ultimate assassin, the one who doesn.t know they’re an assassin. The only problem is that when you trigger their mind controlling watch device they become stiff jointed robots slowly intoning “I must kill…The Queen, I must kill…The Queen”  Of course, Frank ‘Nice Beaver’ Drebin saves the day and Ricardo suffers death by marching band (amongst others).

1: In The Line Of Fire (1993)
THE TRIGGER: Mitch Leary (John Malkovich)
THE MARK: The President of The United States
THE SAVIOUR: Frank Horrigan (Clint Eastwood)

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Mitch Leary: I have a rendezvous with death, and so does the President, and so do you if you get too close.
Frank Horrigan: You have a rendezvous with my ass, motherfucker!

I might even consider watching Contact again if it had the above exchange spliced into the middle of the unending boredom. This is one of those classic tension builders with cat and mouse interplay, near misses and collateral damage before the forces of good and evil finally catch up with each other. As we cut between scenes of Frank figuring out the missing link, the President slowing making his way through the crowds and the slow burn gun assembly the audience is on the edge of their seats hoping for some redemption for Eastwood and comeuppance for madman Malkovich. Can you guess how it all ends? And for those who need to know these things there is a bit of sneering Midnight Caller action to sweeten the pot.

 As always, if any of my loyal readership (both of you) have any better suggestions let me know in the comments and I’ll get right down to the laughing and pointing at your stupidity. Hey wait……come back guys!

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Responses

  1. I like the gay connotation of the number 1 assassination… my ass!

  2. As tempting as it is to edit your comment to leave the first three words and the last one it’s your good self that is keeping my comment count going, so I’ll leave you be kind sir.

  3. very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
    Idetrorce

  4. Greets! Really interesting. keep working!


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