Posted by: cueballcol | November 8, 2007

THE ONES TO WATCH: W/C 10/11/07

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I hope to make this a regular weekly guide of what and what not to watch of the films littering the schedules of the 6 billion channels I never watch (I’ve got one channel, the almighty Sky+ – the holy grail of distilled convenience, yours for the one off price of your eternal soul, SOLD!). It’ll appear once I get around to buying the weekly TV guide and set aside a good couple of hours quality time in the bathroom with a highlighter pen. I’ve got six categories of film distinction into which I’ll place one film from the guide that hits the mark. If you find my advice to be in any way tainted I could care less, but feel free to vent your spleen in the comments until I wade in there to put you in your place. Here we go, this week the focus is on SCI-FI FILMS

THE DYED IN THE WOOL CLASSIC
Really good films. No shit.

ALIEN (1979)
WHERE: Film4
WHEN: Friday 16th November

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WHY?: This was one of my first truly terrifying film experiences. Prior to the release of Porridge In Space we used to regularly sit down for a double bill of this and the remarkable sequel Aliens. By the end of it we’d feel like we hadn’t taken a breath for four hours, such was the tension created by the films, moreso the first film I would say, with the more deliberate pace juxtaposed with quick bursts of violence. Despite the flaws of the final two in the quartet I consider the Alien films one of the greatest film collections of all time and intend to go into them in more depth at a later date.


THE HIDDEN GEM
Be it a cult classic or something good on at 3am.

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1987)
WHERE: Sky Movies Modern Greats
WHEN: Saturday 10th November

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WHY?: I remember going to see this and Dirty Dancing straight afterwards at the tender age of 11, safe to say both were an education. It was at the now long gone Corby Cinema (Smokers welcome!) and I remember standing in the queue and seeing the poster for Fright Night which I found pretty freaky but couldn’t drag my eyes away from it. The fact that I remember these things and couldn’t name a single teacher I had over 16 years of education gives you a good insight into the bizarro workings of my mind, “Feed me, Seymour!”

 

THE COLONIAL MARINE MOVIE OF THE WEEK
Whatever I can find with Michael Biehn, Bill Paxton or the like in it. Bound to be something.

THE ABYSS (1989)
WHERE: Sky Movies Action/Thriller
WHEN: Tuesday 13th November

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WHY?: A notable entry in the series of James Cameron films where Michael Biehn gets bitten by a woman (see also The Terminator, Aliens). Cameron is a notable hardass and probably found out that Biehn had a phobia of teeth and has been fucking with him ever since, whatever pays the bills I guess. This is one of those films where the good guys are ever so slightly a bit of a pain in the arse, so I find myself rooting for jittery arm slicer Biehn and his moustache of doom. I think this is the special edition they’re showing which is a vast improvement on the original for reasons that I’ll put in invisiotext here to save spoilers: ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY. Enjoy.

 

THE SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL
Could be the best film in the world or the cheesiest, but nevertheless a good companion piece to takeout pizza and a few bevvys. Doesn’t have to be on Saturday.

ROBOCOP (1987)
WHERE: Sky Movies Modern Greats
WHEN: Sunday 11th November

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WHY?: This was one of the first 18 certificate films I ever bought, along with Die Hard. Part media and corporate satire, part religious allegory and part violent genius, Robocop was a new class of action film for the eighties coutesy of Mad Dutchman Paul Verhoeven. Pretend it has no sequels and settle down for some smart sci-fi with a tragic hero and the coolest collection of bad guys (Kurtwood Smith, Ronny Cox, Ray Wise) this side of Suburban Commando (joke).

 

THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH
Utter tripe. Not even so bad that it’s good

WING COMMANDER (1999)
WHERE: Sky Movies Sci Fi/Horror
WHEN: Saturday 10th November

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WHY?: I think I preferred playing the comupter game, which I didn’t, so I actually prefer the thought of playing the computer game, which hasn’t got Mario in it, so I doubt it. Despite the classy supporting actor triumvirate of David Warner, Tcheky Karyo and Jurgen Prochnow this one rarely climbs its sorry ass out of the sewerfull of mouldy monkey balls from whose fetid anus the screenplay slithered. I actually can’t remember it that well, so I might be wrong. Hey, give it a go! This one has POTENTIAL written all over it! Give it about a month though and ‘star’ Freddie Prinze Jr will be the second most famous Freddie-Prinze-Jr-looking-motherfucker after that sappy X-Factor guy, I shit you not.

 

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
Films that I’ve heard good things about but have never got around to watching, like Gone With The Wind. Maybe this week.

FANTASTIC VOYAGE (1966)
WHERE: Sky Movies Classics
WHEN: Tuesday 13th November

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WHY?: This is the one where a submarine and its crew are miniaturised so that they can be injected into the body of a brain-damaged scientist. There are no mini drunk Dennis Quaids in this one though (I’m assuming), so I’ve prepared myself for disappointment. As long as I’m in the mood I might give this one a go and get it checked off my list. What do you lot think, should I make the effort ?

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